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25 April 2011 @ 08:51 pm
 Oh...easter, too much food and too much junk.... but I have a new diet plan of lots of fruit and veggies, then later on a fast for a day but not for a while. Back at school 3.5 weeks left and so much work to be done, and no car privledges! Ugh! Sucks, anyways, going to be up late researching narritives endings for my 15 pager. Love yous, Kay
Current Location: coffee
Current Mood: relaxedrelaxed
Current Music: Pretty Girl Rock - Keri Hillson
18 March 2010 @ 12:45 am
 An ok day for a start...hope to do better tomorrow...

diet coke
granola bar
nasty mac and cheese- lesson learned
apple and pb
sleepy vanilla tea

I went to the store and bought yogurt, apples, lemons, carrot sticks, 90 cal bars.. so hopefully I'll be eating better and start losing.


bfast: coffee and yogurt
lunch: apple with pb
dinner: water w/ lemon and a yogurt

exercise: walking at least a mile extra
17 March 2010 @ 12:01 am
 Well, let's see where do I begin: I have been abroad for 10 weeks in the Uk and I hate it. I hate my flat, I hate how depressing it is here. It's so dark in spirit, all people do is eat, drink, and party. Which is not always a bad thing but seriously 7 nights a week is a little much. All I've been doing is getting high, sleeping, and binge eating. I def. gained a shitload of weight, none of my clothes fit me well, and these are the only ones I brought. I'm disgusting. My life is falling apart and all I want to do is go home, but i can not only because of school but because I can't return home looking so FAT, I look horrible. I even officially have a double chin, my thighs have cottage cheese on the backs of them. I hate it and I hate myself for bingeing and cause myself to be this way. No longer, I am going to cut down my cals and increase my water intake. I need to get out there and exercise, running, plain old running, with crunches and pushes ups. Food and exercise diary, everything. I will be thin by the time I return home at the end of May, I want everyone to tell me how good I look instead of being surprised at how fat I am. Here's to new beginnings! 
Current Location: flatroom
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Watching Degrassi
05 February 2010 @ 12:39 pm
Yesterday: Kinda of bad, I studied a shitload and need caffeine then I watched movies with my friend we got munchie movie food, bad idea!

Breakfast: 1 slice of toast 84
1 tsp of pb 96
1 cup of coffee w/ sugar 6
Total: 186 cals

Lunch: 2 slices of bread: 168
2 tsp of peanut butter 192 
1 tsp. of choco duo 100
Dr. Pepper 155
Coffee latte: 20
Total: 635

Dinner: 1 cup of carrots: 76
½ cup of pasta: 80
1 pat of butter: 36
cadbury dairy milk caramel bar: 420
Haribo super sour monster 320
Total: 932

Total for day: 1753

Today so far:

Bfast: 1 cup of coffee w/ sugar 6 cals
            fiber cereal with skim milk 200 cals
        Total: 206cals
Going to try to keep it under 500 today. Wish me luck!

If you're with your family or something, and you're at a buffet, spend most of the time acting like you're picky, and walk around the buffet tables. Then just get a little something, like veggies or fruit. Pick up the smaller plate as well.

Every time you are about to eat something ask yourself "Do I really want that food more than I want to be skinny?"

Write down everything including gum that you eat, including cals as well as exercise and cals burned.

Only eat with skinny people, and then eat half of what they eat.

Don't eat lunch- save your lunch money and buy a present for yourself later.

Watch what other people, especially fat people, eat, and feel superior...because they are feeding their fat bodies and they're getting fatter!

Only eat when other people can see you. That way they cant say "you never eat!"

Leave dirty dishes around the house, people will think your eating

Don't act oddly. If you're always commenting on how skinny people are or how fattening certain foods are, someone's bound to find how obsessed you are, no one needs to know this except for you.

Try not to give too much attention to the mirror when people are near, people might notice.

Avoid watching movies about ana or mia when friends or family are around. Trust me...this makes their suspicion grow!

Calculate how much money you're saving by not eating and add this up until you have enough to buy something you like (but not food).

Think about food before and while you eat it. Think about where it came from and exactly what happened to it before it reached you. This works particularly well with meat, dairy, and egg products.

Find something that makes you feel vaguely ill or unpleasant, get a picture of it, and put the picture beside your food. Switch pictures frequently and make sure to look at the pictures while you eat. After a while you may began to associate food itself with unpleasantness, which will make you less inclined to eat.

Sabotage your food. Make it with too much water, too little sugar, an ingredient you don't care for. Add too much salt or pepper before you eat. You will eat less of it if it tastes bad.

If you're annoyed at your family for always trying to make you eat breakfast with them, tell them (while holding your stomach with your arms and looking like you're about to puke) that you always feel sick after you eat in the morning so early. Or that you have to go swimming in a few hours, and that you don't like eating before that.

Eat a tiny piece of onion (like 1/2 in square). That way you have onion breath and people believe you really ate.

After you eat brush your teeth. You won't want to eat when you have that minty taste and your teeth are clean

If you eat at night before you go to bed make sure you lay on your left side it makes the food go through your system faster and wont have as much time to suck fat out of the food. but you shouldn't eat before you go to bed slows down your metabolism and makes sleep horrible.

Just keep yourself extremely busy, almost to the point of being completely stressed out and you can go for 8hrs without being hungry or wanting to eat. This is good for those in uni or school, making the grade is stressful enough!

If you don't feel comfortable not eating too much, eat only a hard boiled egg, an apple, and a glass of water. It will fill you up all day.

If you live with your parents, go to bed early & sleep late to avoid some meals, then go out in the day, & say you've eaten a lot. Also, keeping busy will burn more calories

If sitting at school, college etc. constantly tap your feet/fingers. Fidgeting throughout day is proven to burn up to 800 calories per day. (Make sure your not moving other people's seats!)

Wear nail polish, makeup, exfoliate, take care of how you look, take your vitamins! Look and act healthy!

Have to go to a restaurant with someone? Some ways you can avoid eating much - 1. veganism (makes it hard to find suitable food); 2. severe food allergies (always a good answer when they offer chocolate!), or 3. order something that you've never tried before. When you taste it, say you don't like it. Or just order a salad and eat half of it.

Think about what the food would look like in your body after you have eaten it... hopefully that will put you off

Go to the kitchen often, and pretend your snacking, take a bite out of something and take a long time, look in the fridge, ETC! they will think you're always in the kitchen eating, and won't suspect anything.. trust me if you never go in the kitchen, your family *will* notice

Buy lunches/dinners of canned/contained foods, like lunch buckets, then without cooking them hide them in your room or locker as if you were eating them, and instead walk/drive them once a week to your local homeless shelter

When you are in school, grab something on your way out the door to eat(because you're in a hurry)-throw it out or give it away. Then when lunch time comes go to the library instead of with your friends -they will only fuck things up. Then get involved in an activity that goes really late so you come home after everyone else has eaten and you can take a plate of food to your room to eat while you are doing your homework (put the food in a bag and throw it out with tomorrows breakfast. The only thing is weekends- try to stay as busy as possible

Wearing "fashionable" gloves and scarves really helps when you get cold… and makes people less suspicious than if you're always bitching that you're cold when they're all fine. (Wear layers!)

When you feel you need to eat, list the reasons why its not such a good idea, by then you'll most likely lose the craving, and you'll have convincing reasons not to eat

On an empty stomach coffee will make you feel sick and will curb your appetite.

Sniff scented markers or anything else that may smell like a fruit and then you won't be hungry anymore

Whenever you get hungry, think of all the people who made fun of you in junior high. (This helps me a lot because I've been called fat before)

Whenever you do decide to eat, do it in the company of others. That way they can't say they never see you touch food.

Leave a dirty plate lying around every so often for your parents to yell at you about.

Don't chew and spit, it doesn't work and will cause binging. 

Eat really slowly because if everybody else is on their third slice of pizza, they'll assume you are too, even if you're still finishing your first.

Sign out of hotmail and clear the history before you get off of the Internet. This will eliminate Autofill being ever so helpful while your Mum is researching aardvarks, and coming up with www.anorexicsanonymous.com for her. In short, don't leave traces lying around for others to find.

Don't purge, even if you binge the health risks are not worth it!

If you're about to binge, chew some gum, and think to yourself "2/3rd's of America is obese. Why add to that number?"

Make up places to go. say you're going to a friends house for dinner, or going out to a restaurant, and then just go somewhere where you can't eat, LIBRARY! 

When you are hungry do something gross like a bathroom, clean a kitty litter box or something it will make you just not hungry.

Always eat teaspoon size amounts of food at any one time and chew well. A cup size works well also.

Check your head. Never eat anything bigger than your head, even lettuce. You'll only stretch your stomach out. Train your tummy to settle for less

Never eat anything bigger that your fist

Make up rules you cannot deviate from. Only allow yourself one food a day. You will get sick of the taste and therefore eat less due to boredom.

Brush your teeth and tongue all the time. Food will taste yukky with toothpaste, so whats the point of eating it?

Eat while in the front of the mirror naked. You will be completely repulsed, and repelled from the food. This is a good thing.

Feel your hunger..don't try to suppress it. You WANT to be hungry. If you're not then you're not doing it right. Hunger is not your enemy!

Did you know that there are 2 pounds of dead skin on you right now!!?! Thats right! 2 POUNDS! ...if you're underweight or in starvation mode your body does not "shed" its skin the way it should. It holds on to it.

Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.

Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.

If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away!

Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time.

Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you. Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.

Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.

Create a list of suitable punishments either for thinking of food, or for caving in and eating food itself. A good one to try is to keep a rubber band on your hand and flick your skin whenever you think of eating. Eventually you will have a swollen hand, and a shrunken body; you will have ceased thinking of food so much. 

Trick yourself into believing your life sucks. Be mean to people so that they instigate fights, just to make you constantly on edge, or nervous, so you cant eat. After all, you'll be light-headed and dizzy, and irritable from not eating, so you have an excuse. Become an angst-ridden teenager. You'll be making yourself nauseous from worry and self hatred in no time.

Anorexic mantras

"An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."
"I'm not starving myself...I'm perfecting my emptiness."
"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

Look at pictures of anorexics. This should be enough to sufficiently fuck up and cloud your perceptions. Above all, convince yourself you are above others, a hero, owing to your spectacular powers of restraint. Feel elitist. Feel as though you are somehow super-human for resisting the urge to eat. Feel better than the other mere mortals who dig in to their cereal and their donuts. Believe in the power of starving as though it were a religion.

Brush your teeth frequently. A fresh mouth helps keep you from wanting to eat.

Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you feel like eating.

Brush your teeth when you feel like eating.

You can do this and you knew you could do this before you started thinking about food. So stop dreaming of cookies, focus yourself and remember why your hungry in the first place. You want this, you need this so don't wreck it now.

Leave the house with no money and walk around, chase butterflies, take the dog until the need to binge has gone.

If your by your self start yelling at your self. Tell your self you don't need this. Scream if it helps. Just get the binge feelings out of your system. I find this very effective.

Spray perfume on the food you're dying to eat. You won't (and shouldn't cause you'll get really sick) eat it then.

Turn the temperature down in your car/house, or open windows in your room at night, so that you'll be colder and your body will have to burn calories to keep warm. (Obvi we have also heard the opposite works as well)

When you lose weight reward yourself with something you want (not food obviously). Shopping is always good.

Instead of buying food, buy yourself flowers. Food is depressing, but flowers make you happy.

Exchange a bad habit for a good one (i.e. someone trades smoking for jogging). This may be hard, but very rewarding if you can do it. Exchange eating for yoga, or meditation, or reading more.

Think higher of yourself! You're too good to put THAT in your body!

Save the money you would have spent on that meal in a jar. Save it in a bottle instead and watch it grow.

Fidgeting burns 500-800 extra calories a day. Suck in your tummy and squeeze your buns, bounce your legs, sway side to side, swing your feet, ect.

Take a shower. Hot steamy water can suppress your appetite and paying close attention to your body will remind you exactly why you're losing weight in the first place. A cold shower works just as well, but don't do it in winter. 

When eating, put down your silverware or sip water in between each bite. Your stomach will feel full faster and you are less likely to overeat.

Chew every bite at least thirty times. Your food will taste better and you will be much more satisfied. Don't swallow until all the flavor is gone from of each bite.

Pay attention to when and what you are eating. Ask yourself: "Do I really want to eat this?"

Weigh in only once a week. Record it in your journal.

Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.

Make it a rule that you always have to burn twice the calories you consume (i.e., if you ate something with 100 calories, you would have to burn 200). The thought of all the exercising you would have to do can be very discouraging.

Find a buddy onine, and do fasts with them, competitions, or just have someone to email when you're craving.

Wear a rubber-band around your wrist and snap it against your skin when you are tempted to eat.

If you eat right before bed, lay on your left side so the food goes through your system faster.

Chew gum if you need to cook so you won't eat any of the food.

If you're right handed, eat with your left hand. It will take a lot longer to get the food to your mouth.

Wear perfectly applied lip gloss. It makes you more aware of what's going in your mouth. Also, flavored ones help with cravings.

When going out, take only the amount of money you'll need. Nothing extra, that way you won't be tempted to spend it on food.

Have 6 small meals a day. Take 2 apples, and split them so you can make 6 meals out of them. That way your body will be tricked into thinking it's eating more.

"Remember that you do have to eat sometimes. Not a lot of course but you have to eat something. Make sure you eat at least two things each day.

21 January 2010 @ 08:36 pm
1. WATER…I can’t say it enough…WaterWaterWaterWater Water…Any questions?

2. Three words: Crest White Strips. Here’s the deal. You’re supposed to wear these on your upper and lower teeth for 30 minutes each, 2x a day. And you definitely cannot eat while you’ve got these babies on. You can have up to 2 hours a day of literally not being able to eat! If you put them on about 15 minutes before dinner then you can’t eat dinner with your family and they’ll have to let you eat on your own later. It’s perfect!

3. Ride out the hour. When you start to get hungry, just tell yourself that you’ll wait until the end of the hour to eat anything. That way you’ll have time to think about whether or not you really want those calories, and you’ll also feel really powerful since you’ve proved to yourself that you can go for that time without food.

4. Move around. Bounce your feet, wiggle your fingers, every little calorie counts. (Just make sure if your in class where your sitting doesn't make the whole row bounce, it drives me nuts when people jiggle!)

5. Feel your bones. Just wrap your fingers around your wrists or along your collarbone. This will help you realize that you’re making progress and will also deter you from eating because you don’t want to lose those bones, do you? This doesn't help if you don't have bones but if you touch these places it will remind you of how much you still need to work on.

6. Pick a time every night that you will not eat after. Most people recommend that you not eat after 6 pm, but if your family makes you sit down with them at 6:30 or so, this obviously isn’t practical. So choose a time that works for you.

7. Frequent Pro-Ana websites. Do you think you’ll want to eat after reading trigger-happy quotes and looking at skinny models?

8. Keep your wallet at home. If you don’t have money, you can’t buy food. ( This is such a good one! Whenever I have money and I want a certain food it is so easy to buy!)

9. Exercise before you eat. It will give you more time to think over what you really want to eat, and when you do eat you’ll be more comfortable with it since you just burned some calories.

10. Get your sleep. Not sleeping will slow down your metabolism and will make you more likely to over-eat. 11. Buy clothes one size smaller than what you’re currently wearing. Try on these clothes on to keep yourself on track. ( Also, buy a bikini and put it in the kitchen hanging up on the cabinets!)

12. Okay, this is a little different than what other pro-ana sites may say. Instead of lowering the temperature while you sleep, raise the temperature. Sleep in sweats and under all of your covers. You’ll sweat and lose water weight…It’s not “real” weight, but you will feel great when you get a look at the scale after getting out of bed. (I'm not so sure about this one, personally.)

13. Save the money you would spend on food to buy yourself something that you REALLY want!

14. Focus on what you’re eating for the first few bites. After that it gets pretty boring, don’t you think?

15. Work on your posture. When you sit and stand up straight you look taller AND thinner. You also burn more calories.

16. Leave traces of food that you would have eaten. For example, when I was in high school my mom made me eat breakfast. So I would get up a little earlier, go to the kitchen, make some toast, fix some cereal, and get out a yogurt. Toast the bread (leave the toaster out), put crumbs on the plate, pour some cereal and throw it down the garbage disposal, do the same with the yogurt. If the food isn’t there, your parents will think that you ate it! (I don't like to waste food, so I usually get a plate and turn the toaster over and put the crumbs on the plate then leave it in the living room.)

17. If you’re in college, schedule classes around meal times. You can’t eat in class, can you?

18. Do something you enjoy instead of eating. Take a bath, play with a pet, read a book, exercise, do whatever works for you.

19. Peppermints supposedly curb your appetite. But be careful with this…Each peppermint has 20 calories.

Another good one is watching weightloss shows and movies which can be easily found on youtube:)
Current Location: room
Current Music: Supersize vs. Superskinny
16 January 2010 @ 01:20 pm
Morning! Well actually in the Uk its the afternoon. Slept in because I was out late last night or this morning. Slept in til 12:30, so far today all I've had is a coffee with sweetner, an apple, and a pb sandwich. I have some errings to run today and I am going to get coffee with my flat later. Pretty decent start to the day. Doing well eating wise, but i'm thinking of taking a supplement to speed things up a bit. No ideas yet.
03 January 2010 @ 11:24 am
So, we are a bit snowed in which is a blessing and a curse at the same time! I want to get organized today for Uk because I leave in 5 days! It's getting so close I can't believe it! I really need to go through my shirts, that's what is causing the weight in my bag! I think I just need to look at each on and decide! Weigh in was weird, I was 150 yesterday and 160 now, so I think that's wrong, need a new scale. Off to pack and clean!
Current Location: room
Current Mood: tiredtired
29 December 2009 @ 06:12 pm
Long ass day. Worked 4am-11:30am, thought I was going to die when I couldn't get a break. Ugh, ate a bit tonight but tomorrow is another day I suppose, ugh. I'm getting nervous, abroad is coming up close and I look like shit. I don't know what I am going to do, there's no way I can lose any real weigh by the 8th, ughhhhhhhh. I'm still going to try. Might liquid fast next week I don't have to work which will be nice. Going to exercise a ton. So, I promised my resolutions and although I haven't figured out all of them, here are a few:
1. Fast one week a month, esp. before and after a holiday.
2. Run for at least 30mins everyday- this might be hard when I am abroad so I will walk mostly. Can you run in the city?
3. Yoga and weights every other day.
4. 100 crunches and push ups every morning and night.
5. Write down everything I've have eaten and its calorie intake.
6. Weigh myself every Monday morning, after I pee. hehe!
7. Kiss a UK boy while I'm abroad.
8. Budget and save money.
9. Get better grades.
10. Eat veggies/fruit/protein mostly.
11. Daily devo, journal, God-time

I have more in mind but there's what I've got for now. I know today was a challenge for me as well as some of you out there, but stick with it. We will attain our goals, we will. Love<3
Current Location: the den
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: Family Guy
28 December 2009 @ 08:36 pm
I usually just post on other sites but today I feel like I should be back on here a bit. It will be difficult once school starts again but w.e.
H: 5'5
GW1: 140
GW2: 130
UGW: 125

These quiz things are fun and if you used to read my lj and are now it will reintroduce me.

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[] participating in a fast

[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/EDNOS

[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] i wish i was under 100
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[] I could stop being ana/mia

[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I (should/do) wear glasses.Contacts unless I'm lazy :)
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[] I want to have kids someday.
[] I've had children.
[] I've lost a child.

[x] I'm single
[] I'm in a relationship.
[] I'm engaged.
[] I'm married.
[] I've gone on a blind date.
[] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I've cheated in a relationship.
[] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[] I've kept something from a past relationship.

[] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[] I've been kissed in the rain.
[] I've hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants. (this is part of why I am fat)
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I'm at my thinnest
[x] I'm at my biggest
[] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[] I've thrown food away
[] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I've fainted from exhaustion
I have to wake up at 4am to be at work at 5am, so I can't post my resolution/plan, More to come :)
Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted